


Like A Graveyard.

by reidbyers



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 23:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10751679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reidbyers/pseuds/reidbyers
Summary: There was never a moment in your life where Spencer wasn’t the best older brother someone could ask for but while he was good at so many things, he couldn’t fix you.





	Like A Graveyard.

You stood in front of the mirror in your room, only in your underwear so you had unfettered access to your skin. It had been weeks but the bruises were still there, spotted across your stomach as reminders that his hands had been on you. It wasn’t only his hands though: his belt, a metal paddle, burning oil that had left burns along your hip bones. You couldn’t understand how people could go through trauma and then love their scars, maybe it was a sign that you’d survived but also a constant reminder of the horrors.

Out of all the people in the world, he had chosen you. Every night before you went asleep you thought about it, why did he choose you? Was it because your brother worked for the BAU and he thought that it would be the perfect way to get back at them or was it just coincidence? Perhaps it was just your anxiety making you rethink everything, wondering over and over if there was anything you could have done to stop it. There was no escaping your thoughts because while you were awake that was all you could think about and then when you were asleep, your brain just brought you back to the trauma

Without the help of Spencer and the rest of the team you’d still be in the unsub’s possession so, why did you feel detached from him? With your mother unable to care for you and your father who was able to care for you but would rather not, Spencer was the next person in line to be your guardian. For the first few months it was great, when he was at home you’d read together and he’d help you with your school work. By the time you were old enough to really talk to him he had moved out so you appreciated the time you had to get to know him now. That was all before you were kidnapped.

Now, every time you looked at Spencer you were reminded of how wonderful things used to be and how they’d never be like that again. You were different now and it was a struggle getting up every day and having to pretend to be fine, even if everyone knew you weren’t fine. You stood in front of the mirror and wondered if you were ever going to feel like your body was your own again, if it would ever stop feeling like it belonged to someone else.

“(Y/N)?” You heard Spencer’s voice through your closed door, slowly you started putting your clothes back on again before walking up to it. You didn’t open the door but instead put your ear up to it, knowing he wasn’t expecting you to come face to face. “I’m leaving for work now, will you be alright?” His voice was gentle, as if he was trying not to startle you. In an equally soft voice you replied.

“I’ll be fine.” You replied, listening for a reply but all you got was a small sigh and the sound of him walking away from the door. It was difficult on him to see you like this, to have to let you shut him out if it meant you felt the slightest bit better. He didn’t want to push you but at the same time knew that it wasn’t healthy just staying inside all day and ignoring everyone.

After hearing the front door close, you opened the bedroom door and peeked out into the empty apartment. There was a constant battle going on within your mind about whether you wanted to be alone or not. When there was lots of people you felt panicky and like all their eyes were on you, looking for any signs of distress but when you were alone you were worried about what you would do.

Logically, you knew you didn’t want to hurt yourself. Your body had been through enough and it needed to rest but how else would you make the torment in your mind seem real. While your skin was still bruised, it meant it was healing and eventually would disappear but the depression wouldn’t. If there was a physical thing to point at and blame the pain on, it made the pain in your mind seem more understandable. You’d just never gotten there yet, there was the worry that Spencer might come home early from work and find you covered in blood, you already felt guilty that you’d put him through enough distress with being missing. No matter what, it always felt like everything came down to you being a bad person.

All the energy you had before had been used up just by thinking, the emotional stress took its toll and with no strength to do anything, you closed the door and wandered back into bed. Since you’d been staying with Spencer, he’d given you his room, allowing himself to sleep in his office. You felt bad but his bed was warm and safe, it was the perfect place to hide away from the world.

You weren’t sure how long you slept for but when you did finally awake, it was to the sound of your phone buzzing amongst the duvet.

“How are you feeling today angel??”

“(Y/N) please reply to me i’m worried about you.”

“Don’t make me come over, you know I will!!”

“I’m on my way, please be okay.”

You read the text messages from Garcia, your stomach sinking at the realisation she was coming over and it meant you’d have to put a brave face on. She was lovely, all quick wit and wide smiles but it was exhausting being with her when you couldn’t keep up. Since you began living with Spencer, his team started to feel more and more like family, Garcia and Morgan especially. You knew how much they cared about Spencer and you guessed that meant you by default. With a sigh, you clicked answer on the on going phone called request.

“Hello?” Your voice was raspy from the sleep but quickly interrupted.

“Oh my god, you’re okay. She’s okay Morgan! Please don’t do that again, you had me worried sick.” Garcia’s voice was full of worry, “You are okay right? We’re close to getting to your apartment, will you let us in once we get there?” The thought of getting up felt like a hundred tons on your chest, you really didn’t want to be fussed over even if you knew you weren’t okay.

“Is Spencer with you?”

“What? No, he’s not here. It’s just Morgan and I, why? Do you want him?” Before she could continue you were speaking.

“No. Don’t call him.” You sounded meaner than you intended, it was just that you really didn’t want to talk to Spencer right now, not because you were angry at him or anything like that but because it was too difficult. The line was silent for a moment, it was clear that your outburst had not been expected.

“I won’t, I promise. We’re just parking now, can you promise me you’ll open the door?” You didn’t want to, saying one sentence to Spencer had already exhausted you and now you had Garcia and Morgan poking their noses into your business. Why could no one just let you be?

“Fine.” You spoke eventually, listening to her sigh of relief before you hung up. It wasn’t long before you heard a knock at the door, despite not wanting to go you forced yourself to, not wanting to break your promise even if it was one you didn’t want to make.

Garcia and Morgan stood on the other side, sharing the same concerned face once they had a look at you. You’d given up on trying to take showers, it took too much out of you to take your clothes off for an extended amount of time so you’d remained in the same ratty pajamas for two weeks. Sleep was a rarity so the bags under your eyes were more pronounced than ever, in short you weren’t looking your best. Your focus had been of trying to keep yourself alive instead of simple hygiene.

“Have you slept at all?” Garcia asked as she walked into the apartment, ushering you to walk with her. She walked you into the kitchen where she pulled out a chair for you and watched you sit down. “Have you eaten? You’ve been seeing your psychiatrist right? Please tell me you’ve been-”

“Garcia, relax. Take it easy on her.” Morgan stepped in, pulling up a chair next to you and sat down. You already knew what was coming, you weren’t surprised that they had come over because you were aware that everyone was worried about you. What you had gone through was horrific and to expect you to be fine was ridiculous, but you were showing no signs of getting better, rather deteriorating slowly. “(Y/N), how long has it been since you had a good night’s sleep?”

You paused to think, you either didn’t sleep at all or slept a little and it would be interrupted by awful nightmares.

“I can’t remember.” You replied honestly, watching as Garcia rifled through your kitchen cabinets, pulling out a mug before going over to your fridge. “It’s been a while.” Morgan nodded his head, he’d seen this before.

“You know that Spencer went through something very similar to this? He probably understands better than any of us how you are feeling, why don’t you talk to him?” Morgan asked as Garcia walked over with a now warm cup of milk and honey, placing it down in front of you before sitting down.

With a sigh, you shood your head and took a sip from the mug, the warmth soothed your throat and made your stomach growl, it felt like forever since you’d consumed something that didn’t make you want to vomit.

“I don’t want to make him worry.”

“And you think that hiding yourself away, never sleeping, never eating and not speaking to anyone isn’t making him worry?” Garcia reached out and held your hand, you shivered at how warm her hand was in comparison to yours. “(Y/N) you’re his sister, he loves you and Morgan’s right, he’ll understand.”

The thought of speaking to Spencer about your feelings made your stomach twist, you knew that once you started talking you wouldn’t be able to stop and then all your feelings would just come out all at once. Morgan could tell you weren’t so enthralled by their ideas, the way that your jaw clenched and your eyes focused on the kitchen table, trying to focus on literally anything else.

“What are you so scared of? We understand how hard this is for you but you can’t get any better if you just shy away from facing it.” You listened to Morgan’s words as you took another gentle sip of your drink, perhaps it was the comfort of your drink or just their general presence but you were starting to feel slightly better. Still, you weren’t ready yet. Everything was still so fresh and it hurt too much.

“I can’t do it right now, I’m sorry. You guys should go.” Garcia’s hopeful face dropped, turning to Morgan who she hoped would defend them, say something inspirational and get you back to your bubbly self but he just looked defeated; something she’d never seen on him before.

Morgan stared at you for a while longer before nodding his head and slowly standing up from his chair. As he walked past you, his hand came up to gently pat of your shoulder but he stopped himself before you actually touched, realising you probably didn’t want that. It broke your heart, watching these people who you loved and in turn loved you not know how to interact with you. Garcia gave you a small smile before following after Morgan, for the second time today you listened to the front door close behind someone and it didn’t hurt any less.

Even though you wanted to crawl back into bed again, you couldn’t find the energy to. You sat at the table until the mug in your hand went cold, your knees curled up into your chest. Time had recently been passing faster, you assumed it was because after days of having no way to tell the time when in the unsub’s possession, you quickly developed into being able to zone out; it helped when he was beating you.

You were so zoned out that you didn’t notice the front door opening, only being snapped out of the moment when Spencer’s hand gently rested on your shoulder which made you jump.

“You’re out of bed, that’s good. How are you feeling?” Spencer shrugged his bag off and left it of the table, sitting down in the seat Morgan was in a few hours earlier. There was hope in his eyes and you didn’t want to crush it. You didn’t want to come up with another excuse, there was always a “but” after something you knew you should be doing, it was exhausting. You looked at him, remembering what Morgan had said about how Spencer would knew how you felt. He was okay now, but how long did it take to get here? You were tired of being tired, everything was exhausting and the pain your body retained was nothing compared to the pain of letting the people around you down.

Before he could ask the question again in the absence of your answer, a broken sob escaped your mouth and you dropped your head. You hadn’t cried since you had been found, you feared that if you cried you might never stop but you couldn’t stop it this time. Your hands shook as you put the mug back on the table so you could wipe your tears away.

“I’m so tired, Spence. I’m so tired of feeling like this, it’s never going to end. I don’t sleep anymore, I see his face every time I close my eyes- I want to sleep so badly.” Your words were interrupted by your own sobs, shaky and breathless. “It never used to be this bad, I could deal with the anxiety before but now it’s constant, I feel like my body is always on edge, I can barely breathe; everything feels like a threat. I don’t even feel alive anymore, I feel like a graveyard, just void of anything happy.”

You didn’t have the strength to look up at your brother, instead, you stared down at your hands through teary eyes, picking at your already bitten nails.

“I don’t want to deal with this anymore, everytime you leave I think about coming in here and finding a knife and finishing off what he started.” You couldn’t stop the words coming out your mouth, it was like vomit. “The only reason I don’t do it is because I don’t want to leave you but I’m scared that’s not a good enough of an excuse anymore, I’m so scared you might leave one day and come back and find me dead.” Before you could continue, Spencer’s arms were around you and he was pulling you into the biggest hug possible. He wasn’t big on hugs but you were the exception, you buried your face into his chest and cried, you cried for what felt like years and not once did he pull away or loosen his hold. You could feel Spencer’s chest move underneath you and you realised he was also crying.

He didn’t tell you that you were going to be okay, or that you were strong enough to get through this, or even that he loved you. He just held you and that was good enough, it was what you needed at the moment.

“Here’s what we’re going to do.” Spencer pulled away slightly just so he could see your face and so you could look up. “I’m going to take some time off, we’re going to deal with together. You’re going to keep going to your psychiatrist even if you don’t think it’s working. If you can’t sleep then we’ll stay up on those nights, we’ll read together like we used to. I’m going to be there every second you want me, and when you need to be alone I’ll let you have that. What we aren’t going to do is let you deal with this all alone in your head because you’re not alone.”

You were too busy trying to control your breathing to speak but he knew how much you appreciated his words. Your mental health wasn’t going to improve in a day or a week or a month, it would take time to heal the wounds that had been inflicted on you but having someone like Spencer who was willing to put his life on hold so he could improve yours was an amazing thing, there was finally a tiny glimpse of hope.

 


End file.
